Animal Jokes ( Page 1 of 4 )

Donkey granted his request

One day Donkey was created by God and Said to him, You are a Donkey now, you will be carried havey load on your back from Sun up to Sun down, than you can get good food and eat a lot of beautiful grass than You will be lived 25 years.Than you will be donkey.

           Donkey replaid like this...Ooooooo God...! 25 years too long...Please give me 15 years only, because I was being carring heay load a lot so I couldn't be carried till 25years God Complained....After God thinks for some time.....!! mmmmm finally God granted his request.

 

Lion

A lion woke up one morning with the urge to assert his superiority over his fellow beasts.

He strode over to a monkey, and roared "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?"

"You are, Master," said the monkey, cowering.

Then the lion approached a warthog. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?" roared the lion.

"You are, my Lord," said the warthog, quivering with fear.

Next the lion met an elephant. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?" roared the lion.

The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, swung him in the air, slammed him ten times against a tree trunk, threw him into a dense patch of thorns, and strolled away.

"Okay!" shouted the lion. "There's no need to turn nasty just because you don't know the answer!"

 

Bear Chase

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing?" He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."
 

Gorilla Remover

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

 

The Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

 

Blind Man and His Dog

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.

A passer by who’d seen everything remarked: “That’s very tolerant of you after what he just did.”

“Not really,” came the reply. “I’m just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him.”

 

yeh soch kar ruka hua hoo

Pehla gadha: Yaar mein jis dhobi ke ghar kaam karta hoo, vo mujhe bahut marta hai.

Doosra gadha: Tu ghar chor kar bhaag kyo nahi jata.

Pehla gadha: Kya batau yaar dhobi ki ek bahut koobsurat ladki hai, vo jab bhi shararat karti hai to dhobi kehta hai ki, teri shaadi kisi gadhe se kar dunga.

Bas yeh soch kar ruka hua hoo.

 

Two Campers runs from a bear

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”

“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

 

New Words

Rating: 2.5/5

There are over a million words in the English language, but we can always use more. Here are some that wordsmiths contributed to the Merriam-Webster Open Dictionary website:

Epiphunny (noun): The moment of sudden revelation when one gets the joke.

Nagivator (noun): A bossy person who rides in the passenger seat and gives directions to the driver.

Phooey Vuitton (noun): A sub- standard, counterfeit Louis Vuitton product.

Wuzband (noun): A former husband.

 

Renters' Excuses

Rating: 2.0/5

No one likes coughing up rent. But at least these tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding it.

"With my daughter's graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we're a little strapped."

"I'm getting real tired of paying this rent every month! You'll have to wait a few more days."

"We're a little short right now. But don't worry—we're getting a refund on my wife's tattoo. The artist messed it up, and we're getting back most of the bucks!"

"I didn't pay the rent because I'm saving up to move."

"It's your fault the check bounced. Why didn't you tell me you were going to run to the bank the very same day!"

 

Consulting the Experts

Rating: 2/5

The computer in my high school classroom was acting up. After watching me struggle with it, a student explained that my hard drive had crashed. So I called IT. "Can someone look at my computer?"

I asked. "The hard drive crashed."

"We can't just send people down on your say-so," said the specialist. "How do you know that's the problem?"

"A student told me."

"We'll send someone right over."

 

A Dime a Dozen

Rating: 3/5

While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.

"Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. "I'm looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes."

Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."