Tips to fire up your love life

October 07, 2012 10:45
Tips to fire up your love life

LOST that loving feeling? Letting her make the first move is vital for a happy sex life.

Although male impotency is a widespread issue-very widespread, if you look at all the "cures" out there-in my years of practising, there's another complaint that outweighs that two to one. "I don't get enough" is an overriding male grievance.

I've heard countless stories, too, from anguished women with low libidos. They've sought numerous solutions, from herbal teas and "stimulant" creams to hypnosis, behaviour-modification techniques and alcohol.What they all have in common is that they love their partner, they hate their aversion response and are terrified their partner will find a sexual substitute or worse, the relationship will end.

For starters, I'm rarely seeing the correct partner. When I ask if their partner would come in, the response is often "He'll do anything!"

I often hear a repetitive theme from the husbands, too. Their relationship had a hot launch. It was partially their well-matched sexual magnetism that made him think she'd be a good life partner. Then after marriage their sex life started to peter out until it became a distant memory.

Here's the secret about many women's sexuality. They're psychologically sexual before they're physically sexual. They take sex very personally. My observation is that God put men's sexuality in their genitals and women's in their heads.

 Get personal

Here's how it works. She instinctively knows how to groom for the dance of sexuality. She knows how to dress, smile, flirt, compliment and flatter. When she finds the male with whom she experiences "chemistry" she knows how to aim her sexuality and usually succeeds.

The dance culminates in a torrid sexual explosion. For both of them, the act is fabulous. But a significant part of her high is her "success". You see, women think they "cause" sex to happen. It's their fatal desirability and seduction that's caused an otherwise sexually inert male to become aroused and "respond" to her allure.

The crossed wires start when the man assumes she's a sexually intense partner (just like him), that her neutral position is "keen". The death knell rings the first time he makes a move that wasn't solicited by her. She thinks "Where did that come from? I wasn't in the mood. Since I didn't inspire his sexual desire, does that mean he's just plain horny? If so, does that mean anyone would have been okay?"

This is what experts refer to as women feeling sexually "objectified". The worst scenario of sexual breakdown is something I call the "on duty vagina" syndrome. This is where the wife complains that her husband is often angry, berating or cranky. Sometimes he behaves as though he doesn't respect, let alone like her. Yet when he is sexually aroused, she's expected to service his need. It certainly doesn't feel personal to her.

 Be patient

However, this is not the case for most of the men with whom I consult. Most are usually sensitive, well-meaning partners who adore their wives, and claim the reason they initiate sex is that they are turned on by her and only her. Their crime is that they jumped the gun and inadvertently reset the chemistry between them. Therapy is about getting it back to where it was in the beginning when she thought she was the driver, and he was the willing passenger.

I believe the best formula in sexual relationships is when he's the physical initiator only after she's been the psychological initiator (or prompter). But sometimes her cues are very subtle.

To pick up on these cues, he needs intimate knowledge of her and to be as interested in who she is as a person as well as physically. It's about suppressing desire if he perceives she's not in the mood. The trade-off is usually less sex, but powerfully good sex when she is in the mood.

The best foreplay is to ask the question "How are you? How are you really?"

The partners of great lovers boast that in umpteen years he's never made an inappropriate sexual advance. He'd rather wait. His perception and respect raise the probabilities of her wanting sex. It takes selflessness and maturity. His reward is usually a superior sex life.

Imagine if the accepted standard of responsibility for how much marital sex a male got, was his. Picture a male with his motorbike, car or boat. If the motor won't start, he'll concentrate, listen and patiently explore until he has her "purring like a kitten".

Gentlemen, it's time to start her engine.


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