Managing your child's anger and frustration is the first step to saving the situation from going out of hand. Psychiatrist Dr Harish Shetty tells you how

Earlier this month, 16-yearold college student, Ansh Agarwal, was killed by his two dozen 'friends' who ganged up against him over a petty issue; one that involved him asking them to stop sending lewd messages to a girl.

While the main accused, a 17-year-old 'friend' of Ansh, and his friends maintain that their intention was not to kill him but only to teach him a lesson, the tragedy has again put the spotlight on the city's simmering teenage angst. The recent spate of teenagers' murders in Mumbai and elsewhere has sparked alarm in our society. There is a lot of fear among families and a growing desire to find ways to calm angry children. The solutions are easy to apply, provided parents take charge of the situation.

Pick early signs
Children indulging in smaller acts of violence in school need to be counselled and treated early. Teenagers who lie, bunk classes and get involved in fights are more prone to do all of it even when they grow up. Interrupting the cycle of violence also involves parents' counselling and helping children learn non-violent methods of problemsolving and anger control. Teaching children to approach teachers, parents, counsellors and authorities when wronged, can help prevent disasters. A violent child is not bad but may actually be sad and need help and support from schools, families and the community.

Shock absorbers
When a 14-year-old boy returned home with a broken arm swearing revenge, his parents were worried. Though furious at those who assaulted their son, they calmed him and ensured that his friends were not instigated to hit back. They filed a complaint with the local police station. The offender was nabbed and sent to the juvenile home.

However, in another instance, the police allowed a victim's parents to thrash the accused. This can be dangerous as the cycle of violence continues. Parents seeking revenge also reinforce the belief in the teenager that might is right and seeking vengeance is legitimate.

Parents should act as speed-breakers and absorb their kids' emotional shocks by responding rationally.

A teenaged girl flew off the handle when her boyfriend dumped her without notice. She contacted her friends and shared her agony. Her parents kept quiet as they felt she would calm down in a few days. When they came to me for advice, I asked to see the girl. Seething with rage, she said, "I will kill him or myself." But once she calmed down a bit, I asked her to come back for more sessions. She simply hated 'counselling' and we just had conversations every two days. In three weeks, she could view the situation rationally. This girl who had planned to give 'supari' to harm her boyfriend had begun concentrating on her studies. Adults in families and schools need to help friends or lovers split peacefully when relationships go haywire.

Keep an eye out
When in turmoil, children take out their anger on family members. A young boy had been pushing his mother repeatedly for a week, without provocation. When he sat before me, I learnt that he was being bullied by two older kids in his college. Filled with rage, he was plotting to get even. I asked him if he had ever consumed addictive substances. As he admitted to having used weed once or twice, I got his urine tested and it showed positive.

So here was a child who was likely to harm others as he was on a mood-altering drug. Parents today need to keep an eye out on their children's habits and behaviour.

Parents must share a close relationship with their children so that they can confide in them. For instance, when your teenaged son returns home late at night, open the door, hug him and smell him for alcohol. If he's drunk, don't bother him. When he is in a good mood the next day, tell him you are upset.

Go to the root
Children who play outdoors, and not just computer games, are less violent. A teenaged girl, addicted to gaming, was deeply unhappy over the constant humiliation she suffered from her parents and school for her poor grades. She began bunking school until she was caught. Forced to leave school, she threw tantrums and was very violent for the next three months.

On closer examination, she was found to have had genuine learning problems. Once rectified, she became normal. Unhappiness in children needs to be diagnosed and the cause tackled. Children suffering from depression and impulsiveness are more prone to explosive anger bursts. Easy access to disposable cash may also lead to difficult behaviours.