The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
A woman flagged down a cab.
"Where to?" the cabbie asked.
"The hospital," the woman answered.
"Where at the hospital?" the cabbie asked.
"Maternity ward." the woman answered.
A determined look crossed the cabbie's face. "Okay, I'll get you there. Don't you worry!" He then floored it and started weaving past cars.
"No no, you don't need to drive so fast," the woman said. "I only work there!"
These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS (National Health Service) Greater Glasgow
1. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
6. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
7. While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home.
8. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
9. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
10. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
11. Mrs Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
12. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.