Restricted Jokes ( Page 1 of 4 )

Lack of plumbing

I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was, "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that," etc. It eventually became very annoying.

I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the Magnificent Niagara, knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this Wonder of Water & Power.

While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him, "Do you have anything like this in Texas?"

He waited a moment before he answered, "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."


Feeling oneself

A Bishop had a dread of getting leprosy. He had read that the early signs are loss of feeling in the limbs, and was always pinching his legs, and if it hurt, he was reassured.

On one occasion at a dinner he reached under the table and pinched his leg. He couldn't feel a thing.  He pinched it again - harder this time. Still no sensation.

The Bishop visibly blanched and blurted out, " Oh, no ! I've got it ! "

" You've got what ? "

" I've got leprosy ! "

" But how do you know ? "

" Well, one of the early signs is loss of feeling in the leg. I've just pinched my leg twice and I didn't feel a thing ! "

A young lady sitting next to him remarked, " It was my leg you were pinching, Bishop. "



It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.

She was sure that not all of these people had been invited, but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea.

He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the bride’s side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.

Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom’s side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.

The He smiled and said
"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".



Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks, "Oh... How did it go?"

"I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

"No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"


Fees as ‘will’

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."


Politician right to have free

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a grocer comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.

The grocer was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'Thank You' card and a bag of fresh vegetables waiting for him at his door.

Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.

The politician was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.


Lawyers guidance

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.

One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"

The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."

Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."

The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"

The first says, "That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."


Safety prayers

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs.  Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:

"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."


Perfect shot

Three friends decided to go deer hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher.

As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot simultaneously. Immediately the buck dropped to the ground and all three rushed up to see how big it actually was.

Upon reaching it they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. Thus a debate followed concerning whose buck it was.

A few minutes later a game officer came by and asked what the problem was. The doctor told him their reason for the debate. The officer told them he would take a look and tell them who shot it.

Within a few seconds the game officer said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!"

They all wondered how he knew that so quickly.

The officer said, "Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."


English coaching

Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Obama, please say "how r u". Then Mr. Obama should say,"I am fine, and you?"Now, you should say"me too". Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you."

It looks quite simple, but the truth is...

When Mori met Obama, he mistakenly said "who r u?" (Instead of "How r u?"..)

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked, but still managed to react with humor:

"Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha...

"Then Mori replied "me too, ha-ha.. ."


Joining sentence

During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to him.

Teacher: Pappu, join these two sentences together. I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body.

Pappu: (thinking for a while) I saw a dead body cycling to school.


Second opinion

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."