In a divorce court a woman told the judge:

"Your honor, I want to divorce
My husband."

"But why?" asked the judge.

She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."

The judge asked, "How do you know?"

She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

Aaj ka pathi dev;

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die,

I want you to marry Samy."

"Samy! But he is your enemy!"

"Yes, I know that. I've suffered all these years; so let him suffer now."

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Once a plane crashed somewhere in the mountains:

Only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive.

Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand English and reply.

The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"

Monkey: "Tying their belts"

Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"

Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"

Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize.

Immediately, Jock says "Open it up and we'll have a dram."

"Naw, ah'm goin' tae save it for a special occasion."

Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.

Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed. He motioned for his old friend to come closer. "Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won?"

"Aye, ah certainly do, Angus!"

"Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend."

"Aye, anything ye ask Angus."

"When ah'm dead, wid ye take that bottle an' open it up--"

"Aye, Angus, then what?"

"Wid ye pour it over ma grave?"

"Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It's 40 year old Scotch! But I'll do it for ye."

"Oh, ye're a real pal Jock, and ah'll appreciate that."

Jock says, "There's just one thing Angus, wid ye mind if ah filter it through my kidneys first?"

Finding the perfect birthday messages or funny birthday quotes for women to write in their birthday card can prove more difficult than choosing the card itself. If you know someone who is getting to the age they wished that their age would start going backwards, then there is nothing more special than the gift of laughter. So spread the joy on their special day, with some funny birthday messages. If you are looking for some happy birthday quotes for brightening up someones special day, find here some of the favorite hilarious and funny birthday messages and wishes.

If you are making your own greetings cards, these happy birthday quotes will be sure to brighten up the inside and bring delight to the recipient.

or as Robert Frost said
"Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty..."

Technology has reached great heights that we see advanced gadgets like smartphones and tablets with kids too. One such situation of heights of technological development

In a UKG class

Kid 1: Dude, your slate is uber-cool man, let me check it out!

Kid 2: Bro, stop calling it a slate. Its Samsung Galaxy Note 2, for Christ sakes!!!

(AW- Anil)

Rating: 2.5/5

There are over a million words in the English language, but we can always use more. Here are some that wordsmiths contributed to the Merriam-Webster Open Dictionary website:

Epiphunny (noun): The moment of sudden revelation when one gets the joke.

Nagivator (noun): A bossy person who rides in the passenger seat and gives directions to the driver.

Phooey Vuitton (noun): A sub- standard, counterfeit Louis Vuitton product.

Wuzband (noun): A former husband.

A man was sleeping on his deathbed. The man woke up to see his wife silently praying beside him.

He said, "Dear, I have something to confess to you."

She said, "No dear, save your energy."

He said, "I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven, I cheated on you."

She said, "I know, I poisoned you."

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Rating: 2.5/5

There are over a million words in the English language, but we can always use more. Here are some that wordsmiths contributed to the Merriam-Webster Open Dictionary website:

Epiphunny (noun): The moment of sudden revelation when one gets the joke.

Nagivator (noun): A bossy person who rides in the passenger seat and gives directions to the driver.

Phooey Vuitton (noun): A sub- standard, counterfeit Louis Vuitton product.

Wuzband (noun): A former husband.

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiancé, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which the one he wants to marry is. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'

The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'

'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to
her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist
it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like
to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the
family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
first

time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the

boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist.”

Rating: 2.0/5

No one likes coughing up rent. But at least these tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding it.

"With my daughter's graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we're a little strapped."

"I'm getting real tired of paying this rent every month! You'll have to wait a few more days."

"We're a little short right now. But don't worry—we're getting a refund on my wife's tattoo. The artist messed it up, and we're getting back most of the bucks!"

"I didn't pay the rent because I'm saving up to move."

"It's your fault the check bounced. Why didn't you tell me you were going to run to the bank the very same day!"

Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.
So what's so great about that?
It's snowing outside!

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!

Where did all the cuts and blood come from?
The school went on a trip!

What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria?
The food!